I am constantly re-inventing myself, and it makes me wonder if I’ll ever totally find who I am/who I want to be, or if it will be a constantly changing idea. Does everyone experience this type of thing? I have friends who seem so concretely sure of who they are. They are like beautiful little rocks. They seem to know who they are, what they like, and they stand next to those aspects of themselves with steadfast clarity.

Then there’s me, sitting over there, constantly getting rid of/re-wearing clothes, trying to act differently, be different, to see what honestly reflects who I am. Unfortunately, who I am right now and who I want to be are two different women, and I’m not sure how to bridge that gap. If I try to act more how I wish I was rather than who I truly am, does that make me a hypocrite, or am I just learning and slowly making this acting more of a reality?

This brings me to aesthetics. I am perfectly aware that appearance isn’t everything. That being said, the way I dress is one of my absolute favorite ways to express myself. My outfit definitely affects my confidence level, which is why despite what I might put off, I usually think these things through pretty thoroughly. There are several online communities (and some in real life) who all dress/present themselves with the same type of aesthetic, and I want to belong to one of them. Somewhere. But I’m not sure exactly where I fit in there, either.

The other problem is, I’ll become really attracted to a certain kind of aesthetic, and identify heavily with it for a few months or even just a few weeks, but then it’s like I’ve pressed the refresh button and I’m suddenly off on a different path.

The main thing I wonder is what I asked earlier in this post: does everyone experience this? Or is my life just…overly-transitional? 

Internet Multitasking

There is this “thing” I do (thing being in quotation marks because I don’t really like the word, I’ rather use a different term instead of “thing” at every opportunity, but this morning I’m just too tired to think of a good enough replacement word), where I manage to participate in running three or four open tabs at once. I’m writing this post, I’m updating tumblr, and I have an episode of Bones running on Netflix, mostly just because I like TV background noise and because I don’t have access to the morning news shows I usually watch while at home.

I do this all the time, and like regular multitasking, I feel like it’s not good. Every single person who has ever written anything about multitasking ever has said that all the tasks suffer when you cannot concentrate on just one at a time. However, I don’t see it as me doing multiple things at once because I’m trying to accomplish things (although later I will be answering emails while still on tumblr and netflix, that’s semi-productive), and everything I’m doing tends to not require a large amount of attention anyway, just like many internet time-passers.

The problem here is, while I’m doing three simultaneous pretty-much-pointless internet tasks, there’s a laundry list of things I should be doing in my minimal spare time before class starts that I’m definitely not doing (one of which is literally my laundry). I should be taking a shower, I should be attempting to get dressed or eating the one cereal I have left, the latter of the list I’m avoiding because it’s the seriously mediocre Special K Chocolatey Delight.

So, internet multitasking. Does anyone else have this problem? I know I cannot be the only person on earth who does this, what with the internet being an ever-present entity in my life and those of others. Really, I’m curious to know.