Re-invention

I am constantly re-inventing myself, and it makes me wonder if I’ll ever totally find who I am/who I want to be, or if it will be a constantly changing idea. Does everyone experience this type of thing? I have friends who seem so concretely sure of who they are. They are like beautiful little rocks. They seem to know who they are, what they like, and they stand next to those aspects of themselves with steadfast clarity.

Then there’s me, sitting over there, constantly getting rid of/re-wearing clothes, trying to act differently, be different, to see what honestly reflects who I am. Unfortunately, who I am right now and who I want to be are two different women, and I’m not sure how to bridge that gap. If I try to act more how I wish I was rather than who I truly am, does that make me a hypocrite, or am I just learning and slowly making this acting more of a reality?

This brings me to aesthetics. I am perfectly aware that appearance isn’t everything. That being said, the way I dress is one of my absolute favorite ways to express myself. My outfit definitely affects my confidence level, which is why despite what I might put off, I usually think these things through pretty thoroughly. There are several online communities (and some in real life) who all dress/present themselves with the same type of aesthetic, and I want to belong to one of them. Somewhere. But I’m not sure exactly where I fit in there, either.

The other problem is, I’ll become really attracted to a certain kind of aesthetic, and identify heavily with it for a few months or even just a few weeks, but then it’s like I’ve pressed the refresh button and I’m suddenly off on a different path.

The main thing I wonder is what I asked earlier in this post: does everyone experience this? Or is my life just…overly-transitional? 

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R&R

Left school for the weekend despite being invited to things, events happening, and having work to do, I needed to get away from it all for a little bit. I was doing fine, even considering telling my parents “sorry, I’ll have to come home another time” because of everything that was going on, but then on Thursday I just started feeling…ill.  

I hate that since my life has gotten to the ideal place that I’ve wanted it to be in for awhile, yet I can’t seem to handle it. I have a lot of different friends, I’m an editor on the school paper, and literally just landed my ideal part time job working on an actual, real newspaper. My weight could be better, but I’ve been getting a lot of positive attention for my looks lately, which is definitely weird. I am not at all used to getting compliments based solely on my appearance from strangers. In fact, it pretty much never happened until I got back to college three weeks ago.

This is such an in-between place in life, even more so than high school, I think. In high school you’re still a kid, for the most part you kind of know what your next step will be, and you still live under someone else’s control. In college/around college age (at least for myself and many other people I know), you’re caught in a strange place. You still identify with teenagers and teen culture, you’re not totally financially independent but you’re almost…transitioning into it. You’re in a learning environment, yet many professors will treat you more like an equal than a kid they’re babysitting. You start looking for real jobs, wondering about your career, wondering about if casual dating could become a serious relationship, or maybe not.

It is kind of overwhelming. I’m an adult. I can vote, I do not live with my parents, I have a real job in a real office. Yet I still go to school. I still only can work part-time because of school, so I’m still dependent on my parents financially, yet I no longer have to follow their rules or constantly try to meet their expectations. 

I wonder where I’m going.

Twitter Escapes Me

I don’t think I will ever feel quite like a normal internet user, because I personally have yet to see the appeal of Twitter, and I also feel like a jerk, because all my attempts to explain my complete and utter apathy towards Twitter just results in more question marks. There are so many social networks, all of which seem to rise and fall in popularity over time as well as in my own personal favor (sorry myspace, I missed the myspace boat entirely). Besides tumblr and facebook, the reason I end up joining a lot of things is because of recommendations (and yes, peer pressure) from friends. Everyone I know has a Twitter. Celebrities have Twitters. Even the Pope tweets. I myself do have an account, but every time I try to use it, I just stare at the screen of my laptop or phone unable to come up with anything witty or meaningful to tweet about.

I’ve heard lectures and testimonies and as Elaine Benes would say, yadda yadda yadda about Twitter time in and time out, but honestly I just do not get the point. There’s already enough blurbs of unnecessary information about people I only half-care about all over facebook, and I feel like twitter is almost promoting the idea of “let’s post every time I tie my shoelace” even more. In one of my classes we learned about how Twitter was  an “essential” part of the Arab Spring, some Egyptians even nicknaming it “The Twitter Revolution.” How? How can a site that’s 99% blurbs of useless and unneeded information be that vital? I understand that it was a fast, easy way to spread information, activist ideas, and even all-too-real videos and photographs about the political atmosphere but..come on. You can literally use almost any other internet platform, the information is spread just as quickly (well, depending on your wifi connection), and guess what, you can write more than your average oldschool text message.

I mean yes, I see the upsides. Short and concise can really be nice. But I feel like most of the tweets out there should be things that never should really even be posted and probably wouldn’t be had the opportunity to quickly spurt it out on a whim in 140 little letters and spaces had not been there. One thing I’ve learned in my short adult life is that you should never post anything public or answer an email when you’re angry. You will no doubt write things out of anger that then will essentially be out there for the rest of your life and beyond. Oops. Then, imagine reading back over all your old spur-of-the-moment, I’m-pissed-at-my-boyfriend or I’m-drunk-let-me-share-the-shape-of-my-excrement tweets (or facebook posts, for that matter. It just seems to happen a lot more on Twitter).

It’s quite surprising the amount of annoying frivolity one can fit into 140 characters.