Rainy Day Mood: Another Stream-of-Consciousness Observation Post

Deciding to take a break from lake of homework and studying I’ve been slowing muddling my way through for the past three and a half hours, I look outside as it starts to rain.

The sprinkle has been building a bit all day, but has now quickly become a typical Florida afternoon downpour. I sit in the corner of the second floor of the library and look at the people twenty feet below me, as the confident, umbrella-toting ones saunter their way to class while the less fortunate students to get caught between buildings make a run for it, pulling hoods over heads and covering papers with their shirts. A group of boys “studying” on the west library patio makes a lot of noise. I am silent besides the sound of my rapid typing and the occasional pen scribbling sound of me writing notes. 

A man confidently rides his bike down the brick sidewalk. He obviously doesn’t mind the rain very much. I love rain, personally. I am looking very cute, but not exactly the most well-dressed for the weather, as I would have liked to sit on the rainy porch and do my work, but my sleeveless shirt and skirt betray me. The temperature has dropped as the rain moved in, making it an unexpected 10 or 15 degrees cooler outside since this morning, when sped-walked to class in my favorite new sandals.  So I stay inside.

The farthest part of the western patio has the best view of the center of campus, with the old, beautiful fountain and what we call the Palm Court, a pentagon of paths leading between two main academic buildings, the library, and the fountain in the center that are lined with tall palm trees. On nice days, lots of people lie out in the grass or in hammocks and enjoy the sun. Today everyone just wants to be inside as quickly as possible. A short girl walks by in a silly looking plastic poncho that looks like it’s made of grocery bags. I smile at her, but she can’t see me.

The rain is beginning to slow; Florida rainstorms rarely last more than a half hour to an hour. It’s enough to thoroughly wet everything and cause flood puddles on the campus green, which becomes overwhelmed with water very easily, being completely flat and whatnot. It was not made to just be an open field of sod grass, it was once the place where the oldest dorm on campus stood. The school tore down the building a couple years ago because it was far out of safety codes, apparently. (My building is from 1893, but nobody is tearing it down anytime soon). So now there is just a nice open green space, which is attractive but easily waterlogged.

Should I eat my second snack? Today for lunch, I got a greek yogurt with honey and granola, and also bought a cup of chopped fruit and a tiny bag of Ruffles as snacks to keep me held over all afternoon. Dinner is in just a bit over an hour, but I’m hungry. Didn’t eat half the fruit because the melons tasted like dirt. Pity.

I think later tonight I’ll post something in regards to my skirt, because I’m incredibly proud of it. Adorable, navy-blue flouncy skirt with a print of small polka dots and alphabet letters. It reminds me of alphabet soup, the way the spots and letters are scattered around. I bought it in New York last summer and am finally now wearing it. 

The rain has stopped, now only trees and ledges drip along with all the hurried footsteps.

My First Stream-of-Conciousness Post

Okay, here we go. I have actually never written anything in this style before. Sometimes I like reading books this way, though.

My friends are taking seemingly forever to finish their movie. I wish I didn’t have to be that prick who actually needs to lug her ass to the school library to get work done for real. My room is just too distracting for some reason. The library is nice and serene, and I concentrate a lot more on what I’m doing than if I’m lounging in my room. If I’m in my room I’m going to want and sit naked and eat noodles and watch The Office on netflix, and none of those things get me any closer to finishing whatever thing it is I have do tomorrow.

There are so many people constantly coming in and out of this shop. Some of them are acquaintances I guess, but for some reason I have these moods where I’m either super shy and put my headphones in and while I’m in an obvious public place, it’s like I’m hiding. Other times I’m quite extroverted. It’s a constant back and forth, really. The same kind of back and forth that goes on about the thoughts I have on my own body which can fluctuate in positivity (and negativity) literally several times in an hour. It’s ridiculous. Is this because of hormones? Damn everything.  Jesus Christ, I don’t even know if this is actual stream of consciousness or me just typing on and on without actually pausing to think deeply or correct anything. Am I wasting my time? Someone answer this for me.

Everybody here has people with them. I am alone. I must look strange because I am typing furiously and painfully sculpting my facial muscles so I don’t have to constantly display my chronic bitchface to the world. I’m not sure what I want. I don’t want to be in my room right now. I should spend less time in my room, because being in my room only results in me sleeping, not getting anything done, eating too much, or all of the above. I’m not actually doing anything ACADEMICALLY productive right now, but at least I’m not stuffing my fat face with lean cuisines like they’re snacks.

I have to preserve my lean cuisines because I am insanely stupid and spent all my money. I need to actually physically write down a budget or I am going to officially fail at adulthood. Or go into debt. Both. God. My mom said using cash instead of my card would help me spend less, but that doesn’t work for me for some reason. The ease of having the cash on hand just helps it slip through my fingers faster. But on the other hand, with cash I can’t online shop, which is a bad problem of mine. So either way, until I learn control, I’m really screwed.

That’s what I’m going to do this week. As soon as I get my paycheck I’m going to figure out if I can cash it or deposit it here in town, and then I am going to write myself out a budget plan for it because I am a ridiculous idiot who cannot seem to make good financial decisions otherwise. There will be nice, neat little categories for food, gas, and a tiny little one for shopping. There will be special ones too depending on what’s happening that month, like I’ll have to set aside some money to help Alex on our trip and set aside special spending money for New York.

I wish I hadn’t blown through all my money so fast. I almost cried last night because I felt so goddamn stupid. I was spending a lot when I had my card, but not like this. I’m telling you, the cash is making it worse.

These kinds of things make me feel like a failure. All the instances I ever feel like a failure are because I have no control. I cave and spend a bunch of money I shouldn’t. I cave and order food and stuff myself even though I know it’s making me fat. No self control or willpower. Am I stupid?