Re-invention

I am constantly re-inventing myself, and it makes me wonder if I’ll ever totally find who I am/who I want to be, or if it will be a constantly changing idea. Does everyone experience this type of thing? I have friends who seem so concretely sure of who they are. They are like beautiful little rocks. They seem to know who they are, what they like, and they stand next to those aspects of themselves with steadfast clarity.

Then there’s me, sitting over there, constantly getting rid of/re-wearing clothes, trying to act differently, be different, to see what honestly reflects who I am. Unfortunately, who I am right now and who I want to be are two different women, and I’m not sure how to bridge that gap. If I try to act more how I wish I was rather than who I truly am, does that make me a hypocrite, or am I just learning and slowly making this acting more of a reality?

This brings me to aesthetics. I am perfectly aware that appearance isn’t everything. That being said, the way I dress is one of my absolute favorite ways to express myself. My outfit definitely affects my confidence level, which is why despite what I might put off, I usually think these things through pretty thoroughly. There are several online communities (and some in real life) who all dress/present themselves with the same type of aesthetic, and I want to belong to one of them. Somewhere. But I’m not sure exactly where I fit in there, either.

The other problem is, I’ll become really attracted to a certain kind of aesthetic, and identify heavily with it for a few months or even just a few weeks, but then it’s like I’ve pressed the refresh button and I’m suddenly off on a different path.

The main thing I wonder is what I asked earlier in this post: does everyone experience this? Or is my life just…overly-transitional?¬†

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Generic Coffee Shop Blog Post

I have nothing better to do with my lazy Sunday night then sit in the coffee shop and people watch.

Nothing of relevance happened this week to post about, really. I turned 19. Not to sound cynical, but big whoop. It’s no more or less exciting being 19 than it is 18. I didn’t magically become a little older, a little more beautiful. I did the same BS as I do every other day, every other week. Overate, drove erratically, spent way too much money, cried, procrastinated on homework but managed to get it done by the end of the weekend. Skipped a little more class than usual because of a small mental breakdown on Wednesday night. Regular college stuff, really.

Honestly, I am such a lame-o, generic hipster right now, it is killing me. I’m sitting in a college coffee shop, blogging about my goddamn week as a white girl at a private school on a macbook air, with my lame Ray-ban glasses (which are prescription, thanks for asking; I’d be close to legally blind without these) and my lame hipster canvas backpack with handmade heart pins that say things like “nope” and “babe,” and “just stop,” wearing an outfit that’s entirely thrifted, aside from my shoes, which are TOMS.

If you look at me, I’m scowling the generic hipster mad-about-life, everyone-is-lame-but-me scowl. However, this scowl is not for those reasons. It is for these reasons:

1. It is my natural expression because I have chronic Brooklyn Bitchface. It’s in my genes. Thanks, dad.

2. I am not displeased with the world so much as just myself, and I am definitely the lamest person in this room. It’s super contradictory: I like myself right now, but also I really effing hate myself because good god, I am everything I wanted to be in high school. And that’s gross.

I look so insanely lame I almost can’t even handle it. Yet I continue to sit here and write this like the boring hipster teenager I am because I should be doing better and more interesting things, but I’m not. I could be reading a good book, or actually ordering a goddamn coffee, or watching the movie the rest of my friends are watching. However, I had homework to do, so I skipped the movie and finished a paper in the library (so lame, I am so lame), and now I’m just killing time by looking like an ass in public, texting my boyfriend, and listening to Iron and Wine. Yippee.

What will I do tomorrow? Will I somehow suck less? I’m not sure.

This is what I do know: don’t judge the generic hipster bitch in the coffee shop by her external scowl and weird shoes. She is actually probably a really interesting person under that thick outer layer of nonchalance. She probably really wants to make new friends but is bad at talking to people out of the blue in public places. She knows you’re looking at her with either admiration (because sadly, just like high school Sarah, there are people who want to look like I do now) or disgust because of the stereotype she’s exuding. But she’s not all bad. She has valid opinions, she likes her bagels a certain way, she still knocks on wood when she’s afraid of bad luck, and she’s quietly playing Clash of Clans with her boyfriend while nobody’s looking.

She may look unapproachable, but she’s trying to fix that, too.

 

Not to Sound Conceited: A Positive Post About the Author

Before I start writing what I want to write, I just want to give a nod to all the people who have followed me the past couple weeks. I really appreciate that you all care what I have to say; it means a lot to me, it really does. Secondly, I want to give another nod to whoever read/liked my last post regarding my body image. It makes me feel like I actually have some supporters out there.

In lieu of the fact that I was a very good girl today who did not overeat and went to the gym despite lingering Zumba-legs. It is really nice to know that I can eat a limited amount of calories (I’m trying to lose a couple pounds mostly so I can fit into my old pants. I’m a broke college student; I do not have money for a whole new set of chub pants like I sometimes have to get when I gain weight) without starving myself/going hungry. I ate a reasonable amount. One helpful part being that I didn’t eat dinner in the school cafeteria because I had a meeting during my usual dinnertime. The cafeteria at my college is probably the #2 factor in my weight gain since getting here; I always over-indulge on the variety of buffet-style food FYI to anyone who cares, I’m going to say that’s #2 because I believe the #1 reason is my EXCESSIVE snacking on things that are not supposed to be snacks. Like whole loaves of Dominos cheesy bread. Yikes, Sarah.

I digress.  After discussing this issues I have with my body, I thought I would discuss a few things I like about myself.

My confidence is getting better. I have really pretty eyes, and despite the decrease in my health since getting to college, I’ve been taking better care of my hair, and it’s looking better than it ever has. Honestly my face is not terrible. It’s grown into a nice shape and with a little blush it seems like I actually have some okay cheekbones. I can’t complain about my face at all, which is huge step up from where I was a few years ago.

In regards to my body, it’s not all bad. I have really nice skin, and my figure is really well proportioned. I wish it would shrink down a little bit, but nevertheless.

It is really nice to be able to sit there in front of the mirror and not constantly think that I’m ugly, or even average. Sometimes, I can be really pretty. I feel like the more I work on my inner self, the more it will reflect upon my outer self. I know, I know, that sounds a lot more oddly spiritual that my normal trains of thought, but that’s just the way I’m feeling right now.