In-Between

I am in such an in-between stage in my life, it’s so strange. Now that my second semester of college is ending, I’m kind of..finished, mentally. I will continue to do all my work and such, but I suppose I’m just sort of..finished.

The way time is passing along, it will be next semester in no time. We’re already picking classes out, I already have a new roommate and room for next year (such an upgrade from my current room, so that’s nice). I just have this weird, anticipatory feeling in my chest that I can’t seem to shake. It’s the feeling of want. I want so many things, and it’s bothering me, because I don’t want to want them.

I want to move on to new classes.

I want to start looking for summer jobs.

I want to expand my friendships.

I want to move into my new room with Aaliyah.

I want to lose the 20 pounds I gained over the past six months (so badly).

I want to have graduated college already and move on.

I want to write something that will get me noticed.

I want to move up in the world.

I want to constantly buy thrifted clothes even though that’s not financially feasible.

I want Alex by my side (so, so badly).

Alex is something I struggle with wanting more than anything else. Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only person who is wishing really badly for another person to be by their side in the middle of the night, but I know I’m not. One visit to tumblr will reveal a whole ocean of people whose other halves or broken ends are floating around out there in other beds.

He’s my biggest in-between of all: we’re so far but so close, and my life seems to be marked off by the days we’re together, and measured by the thin tape that spreads slowly over months that we’re apart. I’ve lost the words on how to make him real when he’s not here.

Here Comes an Unnecessary Personal Rant

I didn’t start this blog wanting to post things like this; I want everyone who may be reading it to get that straight. Also on that note, shoutout to the few people who have followed me the past week. I just want you guys to know that you guys are really cool and I’m honored that you’re interested in things I have to say.

This post is mostly me “getting things off my chest” because lately my friends are driving me nuts. I know I’m a lucky duck white girl and all that stuff (I posted about that earlier, trust me, I get it). Also I want to unleash this tiny rant onto the world, and all my other social media outlets are followed by my friends that I am referencing here (this is getting deleted from my tumblr the second it auto-publishes because I’m too dumb and frankly too lazy to know how to turn that function off from this page). Everyone is just being extremely petty and catty and nobody has any patience for each other. We went an entire semester without this happening, so I do not know what everyone’s deal is with each other all of a sudden. It’s like something clicked in everyone after we got back from winter break and suddenly everyone has a huge problem with someone else in the group and I don’t know where all these negative feelings have come from.

People are constantly ragging on each other and snapping at each other. Suddenly no-one has any tolerance for even the small little annoying quirks we all have. I feel like maybe we all shouldn’t even be real friends if we can’t tolerate those kind of small things, really. This level of just…extreme bitchiness is something that needs to absolutely stop. People will talk about another person when that person is literally mere feet away. Not to even mention what people say to each other behind backs. We even had this little group powwow last Monday that was supposed to let everyone air their shit about each other and someone that was supposed to help. But really, I don’t think it helped anything, because less than a week later we are back to the exact same bullshit that we had last week.

Honestly, I’m not going to name names here (no point anyways, none of you lovely readers know these people), but now that I’ve been writing about this and thinking about it, it’s kind of just one person who has been acting extremely toxic lately. She has been personally attacking one or two other people and then attempting to get other girls on her side. This level of high-school dumbassery is not something I am cool with at all.

Unfortunately, I’m a huge coward. I will freely admit it: I am a huge damn coward and I do not have the guts to talk to her about this. Because right now, I’m on her good side, and after 12 years of schooling in which I was picked on because I absolutely refused to be on the good sides of all the head girls at school because they were vapid and their personalities were bland, I am on someone’s good side and I want to stay there.

I don’t even know where this post is going anymore. I’m just very frustrated and I am glad I have a close-knit group of friends because I have never been in a group of girl friends before, but I wish I had branched out more.

I’ll post about something cool and relevant tomorrow, guys. I’m sorry.

Twitter Escapes Me

I don’t think I will ever feel quite like a normal internet user, because I personally have yet to see the appeal of Twitter, and I also feel like a jerk, because all my attempts to explain my complete and utter apathy towards Twitter just results in more question marks. There are so many social networks, all of which seem to rise and fall in popularity over time as well as in my own personal favor (sorry myspace, I missed the myspace boat entirely). Besides tumblr and facebook, the reason I end up joining a lot of things is because of recommendations (and yes, peer pressure) from friends. Everyone I know has a Twitter. Celebrities have Twitters. Even the Pope tweets. I myself do have an account, but every time I try to use it, I just stare at the screen of my laptop or phone unable to come up with anything witty or meaningful to tweet about.

I’ve heard lectures and testimonies and as Elaine Benes would say, yadda yadda yadda about Twitter time in and time out, but honestly I just do not get the point. There’s already enough blurbs of unnecessary information about people I only half-care about all over facebook, and I feel like twitter is almost promoting the idea of “let’s post every time I tie my shoelace” even more. In one of my classes we learned about how Twitter was  an “essential” part of the Arab Spring, some Egyptians even nicknaming it “The Twitter Revolution.” How? How can a site that’s 99% blurbs of useless and unneeded information be that vital? I understand that it was a fast, easy way to spread information, activist ideas, and even all-too-real videos and photographs about the political atmosphere but..come on. You can literally use almost any other internet platform, the information is spread just as quickly (well, depending on your wifi connection), and guess what, you can write more than your average oldschool text message.

I mean yes, I see the upsides. Short and concise can really be nice. But I feel like most of the tweets out there should be things that never should really even be posted and probably wouldn’t be had the opportunity to quickly spurt it out on a whim in 140 little letters and spaces had not been there. One thing I’ve learned in my short adult life is that you should never post anything public or answer an email when you’re angry. You will no doubt write things out of anger that then will essentially be out there for the rest of your life and beyond. Oops. Then, imagine reading back over all your old spur-of-the-moment, I’m-pissed-at-my-boyfriend or I’m-drunk-let-me-share-the-shape-of-my-excrement tweets (or facebook posts, for that matter. It just seems to happen a lot more on Twitter).

It’s quite surprising the amount of annoying frivolity one can fit into 140 characters.