In-Between

I am in such an in-between stage in my life, it’s so strange. Now that my second semester of college is ending, I’m kind of..finished, mentally. I will continue to do all my work and such, but I suppose I’m just sort of..finished.

The way time is passing along, it will be next semester in no time. We’re already picking classes out, I already have a new roommate and room for next year (such an upgrade from my current room, so that’s nice). I just have this weird, anticipatory feeling in my chest that I can’t seem to shake. It’s the feeling of want. I want so many things, and it’s bothering me, because I don’t want to want them.

I want to move on to new classes.

I want to start looking for summer jobs.

I want to expand my friendships.

I want to move into my new room with Aaliyah.

I want to lose the 20 pounds I gained over the past six months (so badly).

I want to have graduated college already and move on.

I want to write something that will get me noticed.

I want to move up in the world.

I want to constantly buy thrifted clothes even though that’s not financially feasible.

I want Alex by my side (so, so badly).

Alex is something I struggle with wanting more than anything else. Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only person who is wishing really badly for another person to be by their side in the middle of the night, but I know I’m not. One visit to tumblr will reveal a whole ocean of people whose other halves or broken ends are floating around out there in other beds.

He’s my biggest in-between of all: we’re so far but so close, and my life seems to be marked off by the days we’re together, and measured by the thin tape that spreads slowly over months that we’re apart. I’ve lost the words on how to make him real when he’s not here.

Old Friends and New Friends

When I got to college, I had a lot of expectations and ideas that turned out to be different from reality. That is not necessarily a bad thing at all, because it’s only my second semester at this school and I have a close-knit group of female friends. This is something that growing up I never, ever had. I always had one or two close friends and then a slew of school-based acquaintances. Now I’m part of a group of six girls, which is kind of crazy. And for once, I’m not the least important friend. That feels great.

Honestly I’m pretty proud of myself for being able to reach out and make friends. That’s something I never thought I’d be able to do in high school, so it’s kind of like one big stepping stone passed. I have five really cool, different, silly friends that I really love. I also have other friends outside the group, but I could use more of those. I need to not be afraid to introduce myself to people. I had this weird friendship-hungry rush of adrenaline or something the first week of school and was introducing myself left and right. Now that I have a secure friend group going, it’s harder to put forth the effort to meet other people, especially because I really like being alone. Last week and most of this week is going to be spent by myself in the library because I have an overwhelming amount of work to do, a midterm to study for, and a speech to prepare. Anyways.

As for my old friends, I let go of a lot of people when I left high school, but I guess that’s just the way it goes. I still see my oldest and dearest high school friends (who graduated two years before me) from time to time, they’re just those type of relationships that never go stale, even when you all live in different places. Months can pass, and it’s like nothing’s changed. Those types of friends are hard to find, so I’m glad I have a few of those. One of my high school friends who I really only got close to my senior year is still one of my best friends and I’m always really excited to see her. 

Then there are some old friends, one in particular, that I’m not sure what to think about. Our whole friendship we always lived a half hour a part and would go months without seeing each other, but we’d talk on facebook or on the phone every day. Ironically, we now go to the same college and finally live a mere five minutes walk from each other, yet we communicate even less than before. I still love her, but it feels like we have really little in common all of a sudden. We’ve been friends since first grade, yet I feel like the length of our friendship is one of the only things keeping it together. I don’t know if she really cares about me anymore. 

One more thing to mention again: I really would love some more new friends, and internet friends definitely count as real friends. I don’t know almost any of you who follow my blog personally, but I would love to be your friend.

Body Liberation

So doing a lot of investigation into why I put on weight over the last half a year (as well as a ton of Americans all the time), and what I’m getting out of all my research is that sugar is a huge weight-gain cause. I feel like I am l great example about what I like to call sugar overload can do to your body.

Getting to college gave me the freedom to eat what I wanted, when I wanted. After growing up in a very health-conscious home (not saying I was ever really “skinny,” I have a naturally curvy hourglass figure so it’s in my genes not to be model-thin), my mom is an extremely healthy cooker and never let junk food into our house. So when I moved out to the world of “you can order pizza with your school meal plan,” “there’s a bagel shop on campus!,” and “you’ll be eating dinner in a buffet-style cafeteria every night,” I went overboard. Which is a common problem.

My main two issues:

1. I overdid it on desserts and at dinner almost nightly. It was bad. The desserts aren’t even that high of quality: they’re just very tempting, and they will “hijack your brain” like a drug and make you want more and more of them once you start.

2. I made best friends with Dominos and carbo-loaded WAY, WAY more than was necessary at night. Carbs from things like white bread and pasta are just sugar in a clever disguise: once you eat those things, your body turns them into sugars to use as energy, unfortunately, it’s way more sugar than your body needs.

Those two combined has made me into a very bloated, very unhappy girl. I haven’t been getting nearly enough vegetables, or healthy forms of dairy. I used to drink milk almost every night, and after getting to college that habit went kablooey, mostly because I was just busy and didn’t have time to relax with a glass of milk at night, or drink one at breakfast. That’s changing now too. I’m not saying DRINK A TON OF MILK YOU’LL BE SKINNY because obviously overdoing it on anything is going to mess you up, but dairy is really good to have in your diet, in healthy forms such as Greek yogurt (which after battling with for three years I have finally come to love), and skim milk.

Regardless. My problems were apparent: too much cheesy-stuffed cheesy bread, not enough nearly enough vegetables. So after a small mental breakdown on Monday night after my body felt worn and sad from the way I’d been treating it, I decided to finally make a lasting change.

To be clear: this isn’t a diet. I’m not cutting ANYTHING out. This is not temporary. I need to make a change in my lifestyle because if I keep eating the way I do, not only will I be unhappy with my weight, but I will be pretty unhealthy pretty fast. I am not going to stop eating processed sugars altogether because, guess what, that’s nearly impossible. They are in almost everything, from ice cream to bread to ketchup. However, I will be cutting down on them because they took up a large part of my diet and that is really just not good.

I’m still going to eat pizza. I’m still going to eat reduced-fat strawberry cream cheese on my honey whole wheat bagel from Einstein’s because frankly, that is one of my weekly treats to myself. I’m still going to eat frozen yogurt with my family and go out for ice cream with my friends. I’m still going share Waffle House waffles and orange juice with my boyfriend when we go on vacation. But I am going to stop ordering pizza two or three times a week, and definitely stop eating more than one dessert at dinner. In fact, the desserts at dinner are going to be cut out most days because frankly, they are crappy desserts and kind of a waste of calories in most cases.

I’ve been working on this for a whopping two days now (yeah I know great), and it’s been going pretty well so far. Tonight at dinner I had a very healthy brown rice + black bean burrito on a wheat wrap (with no sour cream or guac, sigh). I said no to lame-o desserts and had some pretty kickass grapes and a banana (my favorite fruit right now), and miracle of miracles: I was full. I was full without bread, without pasta, without two pieces of cake or three cookies. This has got to be an ongoing thing, because the moments of self pride I had making healthy choices was great.

I’m taking a little slogan I heard on the documentary I’m watching (Hungry for Change, I think I blogged about it earlier this week): When you change your mind from “I want that, but I can’t have it,” to “I can have that, but I don’t want it,” that’s when you’re going to really feel a difference in your life. I absolutely LOVE that idea. I am not going to stop myself from having dessert when I feel like it, or maybe eating a hot pocket for lunch sometimes because I need something really fast that’s not in smoothie form. But when I see those poorly-made desserts or the often rock-hard bread rolls at dinner, I just think “If I really want that, I can have it. But I don’t want it.” And I feel loads better. It’s great. Because when I take think about those types of thing I overeat, especially in the cafeteria, instead of just auto-grabbing them up, I realize that I don’t even really want about 80% of them. It’s liberating.

I’ll be posting about this a lot, so I hope I don’t annoy any of my loverly readers. Thank you all, by the way. I look at every blog who follows me and will more often than not follow back, because I love to read the interesting things other people have to say. I am really honored that so many of you have decided to follow me and like/comment on my posts. The little inner squeal of glee I get when a notification pops up on my phone makes me feel great about myself.

Now, I’m going to do some real studying because golly gee, looks like I’m in college and have midterms next week, how excellent. I’ll post more later about my ~healthy goals~ that should be fun. Once again, love you all. Thanks for the support. ❤

Dreams

I find it funny that the things we want the most, our ideal job, our perfect husband, wife, or friend, our favorite car, are all referred to as dreams, like having a dream job or a dream man. I always find this strange because my goals in life are not something that ever show up in my actual dreams.

My actual dreams are weird, and often awkward. They are very much just my brain trying to organize what’s happened to me that past day, and not so much my ideals of the future. Sometimes, I’ll even dream memories in really good detail. However, dreams are always the past, whether it be a memory of childhood or something that happened an hour before I fell asleep.

So in light of this, I will not be saying things like “dream house” anymore. I will say what I want my career goals to be, however vague or precise. What my goal weight or pants size might be, not my “dream body” (because to be honest, in my dreams I never see myself, except for those few weird pregnancy dreams that I’m definitely not going to go into).

I know this is just me taking the English language too seriously, but nevertheless. Dreams don’t happen, even dreams that are memories are not real, there is always something off about them.

This is me being all weird and introspective for the day. Sorry, guys.

At War With My Own Body

I am rapid-typing this post. That means no proofreading, no thinking, things are just flowing straight from my brain to my fingers and neurons are firing and all sorts of things are happening and it’s because I am in one of these moods where I cannot type nearly as fast as my thoughts are moving and I have so many things pent up inside of me that this happens, this happens every time. So I apologize now for typos and runons. As a journalist and pretty prolific writer, such things usually bother me, but today is not one of those days.

Today was weird in many ways. I feel like my body is out of control. I have the silly notion that my weight is the one thing that is stopping me from being the woman I truly want to be. I am intelligent, and attractive on almost all other aspects (not to sound conceited or anything, but my hair has gotten really healthy and with a good coat of makeup I look quite smashing, aside from the fat face). Being invited to the national college media convention in NYC is skyrocketing my school journalism career and will be introducing me to so many amazing things. These are good things, and I like good things. These are the good things that keep me sane and balanced when I’m on the breaking point, which I am right now.

I truly wish I could just stop eating, but I cannot. I am learning to control myself, but the battle to control my cravings and not overeat is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. And frankly, I cannot go back to bulimia again, purely for the sake of my teeth, which are one of my nice redeemable features after a little whitening and the three years of dental work they went through. The throwing up was destroying them, and of course, killing me. But I can’t help but feel jealous of two years ago me. She was so much lighter.

I feel like I am slowly falling apart. I am hungry for so many things: food, attention, acceptance, likability, money, and mostly definitely food. I am a hungry person. I seem so much more hungry than any of my friends. I want it all to stop. I want it under control. I want my body under control. I want my life under control.

Today I worked out for so long that I burned a few more calories than I ate. I know that it is wrong and while exercise is good for me, I overdid it and pushed it to the brink of being unhealthy. But I cannot help but feel satisfied with myself for pushing that hard. It is sickening how proud I feel. I don’t want that feeling to be there. I want to wake up tomorrow and be skinny without all the physical and mental torture I am suddenly putting myself through.

The weight I’ve gained in college upsets me greatly. I hate it so much and I want my high school body back, as lame as that sounds. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but if I got back down to that weight again I would never take it for granted. I would never take fitting into my size 5 pants for granted again.

I want to escape.

Bedtime Poem

my heart is almost as warm
as the heating blanket that soothes my aching back
as the blackberry syrup I told you all about
when we spoke on the phone.

there is nothing that feels better to me than the feeling of knowing you’re miles away,
that you’re two hours back in time from me,
but yet we are both lying here thinking about each other
about blackberry syrup
about travel plans and future breakfasts
about spring desert picnics
about the idea that someday we’ll lie down together

and won’t have to think about anything.