Re-invention

I am constantly re-inventing myself, and it makes me wonder if I’ll ever totally find who I am/who I want to be, or if it will be a constantly changing idea. Does everyone experience this type of thing? I have friends who seem so concretely sure of who they are. They are like beautiful little rocks. They seem to know who they are, what they like, and they stand next to those aspects of themselves with steadfast clarity.

Then there’s me, sitting over there, constantly getting rid of/re-wearing clothes, trying to act differently, be different, to see what honestly reflects who I am. Unfortunately, who I am right now and who I want to be are two different women, and I’m not sure how to bridge that gap. If I try to act more how I wish I was rather than who I truly am, does that make me a hypocrite, or am I just learning and slowly making this acting more of a reality?

This brings me to aesthetics. I am perfectly aware that appearance isn’t everything. That being said, the way I dress is one of my absolute favorite ways to express myself. My outfit definitely affects my confidence level, which is why despite what I might put off, I usually think these things through pretty thoroughly. There are several online communities (and some in real life) who all dress/present themselves with the same type of aesthetic, and I want to belong to one of them. Somewhere. But I’m not sure exactly where I fit in there, either.

The other problem is, I’ll become really attracted to a certain kind of aesthetic, and identify heavily with it for a few months or even just a few weeks, but then it’s like I’ve pressed the refresh button and I’m suddenly off on a different path.

The main thing I wonder is what I asked earlier in this post: does everyone experience this? Or is my life just…overly-transitional? 

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Here Comes an Unnecessary Personal Rant

I didn’t start this blog wanting to post things like this; I want everyone who may be reading it to get that straight. Also on that note, shoutout to the few people who have followed me the past week. I just want you guys to know that you guys are really cool and I’m honored that you’re interested in things I have to say.

This post is mostly me “getting things off my chest” because lately my friends are driving me nuts. I know I’m a lucky duck white girl and all that stuff (I posted about that earlier, trust me, I get it). Also I want to unleash this tiny rant onto the world, and all my other social media outlets are followed by my friends that I am referencing here (this is getting deleted from my tumblr the second it auto-publishes because I’m too dumb and frankly too lazy to know how to turn that function off from this page). Everyone is just being extremely petty and catty and nobody has any patience for each other. We went an entire semester without this happening, so I do not know what everyone’s deal is with each other all of a sudden. It’s like something clicked in everyone after we got back from winter break and suddenly everyone has a huge problem with someone else in the group and I don’t know where all these negative feelings have come from.

People are constantly ragging on each other and snapping at each other. Suddenly no-one has any tolerance for even the small little annoying quirks we all have. I feel like maybe we all shouldn’t even be real friends if we can’t tolerate those kind of small things, really. This level of just…extreme bitchiness is something that needs to absolutely stop. People will talk about another person when that person is literally mere feet away. Not to even mention what people say to each other behind backs. We even had this little group powwow last Monday that was supposed to let everyone air their shit about each other and someone that was supposed to help. But really, I don’t think it helped anything, because less than a week later we are back to the exact same bullshit that we had last week.

Honestly, I’m not going to name names here (no point anyways, none of you lovely readers know these people), but now that I’ve been writing about this and thinking about it, it’s kind of just one person who has been acting extremely toxic lately. She has been personally attacking one or two other people and then attempting to get other girls on her side. This level of high-school dumbassery is not something I am cool with at all.

Unfortunately, I’m a huge coward. I will freely admit it: I am a huge damn coward and I do not have the guts to talk to her about this. Because right now, I’m on her good side, and after 12 years of schooling in which I was picked on because I absolutely refused to be on the good sides of all the head girls at school because they were vapid and their personalities were bland, I am on someone’s good side and I want to stay there.

I don’t even know where this post is going anymore. I’m just very frustrated and I am glad I have a close-knit group of friends because I have never been in a group of girl friends before, but I wish I had branched out more.

I’ll post about something cool and relevant tomorrow, guys. I’m sorry.