My First Stream-of-Conciousness Post

Okay, here we go. I have actually never written anything in this style before. Sometimes I like reading books this way, though.

My friends are taking seemingly forever to finish their movie. I wish I didn’t have to be that prick who actually needs to lug her ass to the school library to get work done for real. My room is just too distracting for some reason. The library is nice and serene, and I concentrate a lot more on what I’m doing than if I’m lounging in my room. If I’m in my room I’m going to want and sit naked and eat noodles and watch The Office on netflix, and none of those things get me any closer to finishing whatever thing it is I have do tomorrow.

There are so many people constantly coming in and out of this shop. Some of them are acquaintances I guess, but for some reason I have these moods where I’m either super shy and put my headphones in and while I’m in an obvious public place, it’s like I’m hiding. Other times I’m quite extroverted. It’s a constant back and forth, really. The same kind of back and forth that goes on about the thoughts I have on my own body which can fluctuate in positivity (and negativity) literally several times in an hour. It’s ridiculous. Is this because of hormones? Damn everything. ┬áJesus Christ, I don’t even know if this is actual stream of consciousness or me just typing on and on without actually pausing to think deeply or correct anything. Am I wasting my time? Someone answer this for me.

Everybody here has people with them. I am alone. I must look strange because I am typing furiously and painfully sculpting my facial muscles so I don’t have to constantly display my chronic bitchface to the world. I’m not sure what I want. I don’t want to be in my room right now. I should spend less time in my room, because being in my room only results in me sleeping, not getting anything done, eating too much, or all of the above. I’m not actually doing anything ACADEMICALLY productive right now, but at least I’m not stuffing my fat face with lean cuisines like they’re snacks.

I have to preserve my lean cuisines because I am insanely stupid and spent all my money. I need to actually physically write down a budget or I am going to officially fail at adulthood. Or go into debt. Both. God. My mom said using cash instead of my card would help me spend less, but that doesn’t work for me for some reason. The ease of having the cash on hand just helps it slip through my fingers faster. But on the other hand, with cash I can’t online shop, which is a bad problem of mine. So either way, until I learn control, I’m really screwed.

That’s what I’m going to do this week. As soon as I get my paycheck I’m going to figure out if I can cash it or deposit it here in town, and then I am going to write myself out a budget plan for it because I am a ridiculous idiot who cannot seem to make good financial decisions otherwise. There will be nice, neat little categories for food, gas, and a tiny little one for shopping. There will be special ones too depending on what’s happening that month, like I’ll have to set aside some money to help Alex on our trip and set aside special spending money for New York.

I wish I hadn’t blown through all my money so fast. I almost cried last night because I felt so goddamn stupid. I was spending a lot when I had my card, but not like this. I’m telling you, the cash is making it worse.

These kinds of things make me feel like a failure. All the instances I ever feel like a failure are because I have no control. I cave and spend a bunch of money I shouldn’t. I cave and order food and stuff myself even though I know it’s making me fat. No self control or willpower. Am I stupid?