~My Lifestyle Goals~

As I promised I’d post earlier, here are a list of small things I want to change about my lifestyle that can actually make a big difference. In no particular order:

1. Wean myself off of any kind of sweeteners in my coffee. Sugars not great, artificial sweeteners like Equal aren’t really better. Going to try to get on coffee with skim milk only.

2. Cut down to washing my hair every other day instead of every day. I’ve already started this, and it makes me happy because my hair is much healthier and I can now get away with it because it seems like I’m finally growing out of my ever-greasy teenager hair that I had to wash daily just to keep looking clean. 

3. Start drinking smoothies. Not talking about the smoothie shop kind, I mean the kind you make at home in your blender with no added nonsense.

4. Limit ordering pizza and going for Chinese to once a month, not one or two times a week. This seems like it should be easy, but those are two of my biggest cravings aside from chocolate, so they’re going to be harder to kick than I’d like.

5. Related to the last one, learn to manage my cravings better. I tend to carbo-load at night and overdo it on sugary foods, because honestly, desserts and sugary drinks are like a type of drug with how addictive they are. If I can learn to eat healthier things and kick my cravings, I’ll feel a lot better about myself.

6. Don’t eat frozen dinners as snacks. And on that note, being a small girl and not a huge burly hungry man who needs to eat 3000 calories a day just to keep kicking, I should probably quit eating both the Hot Pockets at once. 

7. Go to the library more often. I feel like my grades are going to improve so much from this. I focus and get a hell of a lot more done when I set aside the library for work, and my room for relaxing (and Netflix). 

8. DRINK MORE WATER. I’m really bad about this because I have a really small and overly efficient bladder, and whenever I try to get the daily recommended eight to ten cups, I pee an obnoxiously large amount. It gets annoying when I have to get up and go during and between every class. But I guess I’ll just have to learn to suck it up and train my bladder to hold water without being a little bitch. 

9. Moisturize more. Since I have relatively oily skin I tend to not do that much, but it’s best to start now while I’m young.

10. Learn to accept myself more. This one is probably the most important, and also requires the least amount of explanation.


Documentary Watching and Overeating

I made the mistake of drinking a caffe mocha at 7:00 p.m. to kickstart my homework binge, and while it definitely did its job, it slipped my mind that every time I drink coffee after six it keeps me up until at least two a.m.  On the bright side, I got all of my work done, plus wrote out two thank-you notes, applied for pen pal-ship on a pen pal blog, talked to Alex, and found some documentaries to watch. And it’s only one a.m., imagine that.

Tonight’s documentaries have very different subject matter. One is Hungry for Change, about the dieting, weightloss, and food industries, which is always a subject I’m interested in. The other is Bronies, which has an obvious subject. I’ve started on Bronies, and so far it’s definitely fascinating. It’s an aspect of “nerd culture” I’ve never exactly understood, but my opinion of the Bronies (and really any other fandom) is that of to each his/her own. I’m not going to judge you one what you do and don’t like. It’s how you treat yourself and the way you treat other people that’s the most important. There’s nothing wrong with liking something or someone, as long as you don’t constantly shove it in everyone’s faces/force it upon other people. This goes for musicians and religions too, just saying. Pretty much anything. *cough*.

Not much else really going on in my life. Weight still an issue. I’m frustrated and continue to lack any sort of willpower. Is there something I can do to improve my self control? Because when I feel hungry, I want to eat. I wish I made better choices…it’s just difficult because of the limited availability of healthy but filling foods here at college.

Does anyone know of any foods that help control cravings, especially at night? That and the period between lunch and dinner are my toughest times, because I always want to snack at night no matter what I eat for dinner, and if I don’t eat between lunch and dinner (which I often don’t have time to do because of my class schedule), I will almost definitely over-eat at dinner, especially because our goddamn cafeteria is buffet-style.

Help, my readers. Help.

At War With My Own Body

I am rapid-typing this post. That means no proofreading, no thinking, things are just flowing straight from my brain to my fingers and neurons are firing and all sorts of things are happening and it’s because I am in one of these moods where I cannot type nearly as fast as my thoughts are moving and I have so many things pent up inside of me that this happens, this happens every time. So I apologize now for typos and runons. As a journalist and pretty prolific writer, such things usually bother me, but today is not one of those days.

Today was weird in many ways. I feel like my body is out of control. I have the silly notion that my weight is the one thing that is stopping me from being the woman I truly want to be. I am intelligent, and attractive on almost all other aspects (not to sound conceited or anything, but my hair has gotten really healthy and with a good coat of makeup I look quite smashing, aside from the fat face). Being invited to the national college media convention in NYC is skyrocketing my school journalism career and will be introducing me to so many amazing things. These are good things, and I like good things. These are the good things that keep me sane and balanced when I’m on the breaking point, which I am right now.

I truly wish I could just stop eating, but I cannot. I am learning to control myself, but the battle to control my cravings and not overeat is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. And frankly, I cannot go back to bulimia again, purely for the sake of my teeth, which are one of my nice redeemable features after a little whitening and the three years of dental work they went through. The throwing up was destroying them, and of course, killing me. But I can’t help but feel jealous of two years ago me. She was so much lighter.

I feel like I am slowly falling apart. I am hungry for so many things: food, attention, acceptance, likability, money, and mostly definitely food. I am a hungry person. I seem so much more hungry than any of my friends. I want it all to stop. I want it under control. I want my body under control. I want my life under control.

Today I worked out for so long that I burned a few more calories than I ate. I know that it is wrong and while exercise is good for me, I overdid it and pushed it to the brink of being unhealthy. But I cannot help but feel satisfied with myself for pushing that hard. It is sickening how proud I feel. I don’t want that feeling to be there. I want to wake up tomorrow and be skinny without all the physical and mental torture I am suddenly putting myself through.

The weight I’ve gained in college upsets me greatly. I hate it so much and I want my high school body back, as lame as that sounds. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but if I got back down to that weight again I would never take it for granted. I would never take fitting into my size 5 pants for granted again.

I want to escape.

Not to Sound Conceited: A Positive Post About the Author

Before I start writing what I want to write, I just want to give a nod to all the people who have followed me the past couple weeks. I really appreciate that you all care what I have to say; it means a lot to me, it really does. Secondly, I want to give another nod to whoever read/liked my last post regarding my body image. It makes me feel like I actually have some supporters out there.

In lieu of the fact that I was a very good girl today who did not overeat and went to the gym despite lingering Zumba-legs. It is really nice to know that I can eat a limited amount of calories (I’m trying to lose a couple pounds mostly so I can fit into my old pants. I’m a broke college student; I do not have money for a whole new set of chub pants like I sometimes have to get when I gain weight) without starving myself/going hungry. I ate a reasonable amount. One helpful part being that I didn’t eat dinner in the school cafeteria because I had a meeting during my usual dinnertime. The cafeteria at my college is probably the #2 factor in my weight gain since getting here; I always over-indulge on the variety of buffet-style food FYI to anyone who cares, I’m going to say that’s #2 because I believe the #1 reason is my EXCESSIVE snacking on things that are not supposed to be snacks. Like whole loaves of Dominos cheesy bread. Yikes, Sarah.

I digress.  After discussing this issues I have with my body, I thought I would discuss a few things I like about myself.

My confidence is getting better. I have really pretty eyes, and despite the decrease in my health since getting to college, I’ve been taking better care of my hair, and it’s looking better than it ever has. Honestly my face is not terrible. It’s grown into a nice shape and with a little blush it seems like I actually have some okay cheekbones. I can’t complain about my face at all, which is huge step up from where I was a few years ago.

In regards to my body, it’s not all bad. I have really nice skin, and my figure is really well proportioned. I wish it would shrink down a little bit, but nevertheless.

It is really nice to be able to sit there in front of the mirror and not constantly think that I’m ugly, or even average. Sometimes, I can be really pretty. I feel like the more I work on my inner self, the more it will reflect upon my outer self. I know, I know, that sounds a lot more oddly spiritual that my normal trains of thought, but that’s just the way I’m feeling right now.

The Long-Awaited Post About my Body Issues

I alluded to this a couple weeks ago, and now it’s finally here: the time where I write about the issues I have with my body. There are many individual ones, and there are a couple big ones.

Everyone experiences body insecurity at some point in their lives. My insecure period has been ongoing since I was 12 and my figure “filled out,” as my mother likes to put it.  I am a curvy girl, there is no denying that. I’m not overweight, and I am not a person you would look at and immediately think “oh, she’s fat,” as if that was my defining trait. However, I am locked in a constant and terrifying battle between the part of my mind who sees the cute, sexy hourlgass girl with the bright green eyes who can rule the world, and the other side, who constantly magnifies the parts of myself that I hate the most and almost can’t bear to look at.

This tug of war is ongoing and never seems to let up. Even when I was at what I consider my most attractive, that was incredibly bad because the summer I looked hot was the summer I had an eating disorder. I’ve long gotten past that (thank goodness), but the insecurities about my weight are almost overwhelming. The fact that I’ve definitely gained weight since getting to college and finally being able to eat without the constant judging eyes of my mother does not help whatsoever.

Sometimes, it’s really difficult to hate yourself when your friends constantly say you look fine, when your boyfriend always tells you how gorgeous he thinks you are, and on those days where your outfit and makeup are just spot on and you feel like the world is at your feet. However, it’s possible. My feelings towards my body can fluctuate dramatically within a day, even within a couple hours. I feel a little better with every one of those nice comments, yet still the doubt always remains.

Here’s one straight-up fact: I don’t need to love myself. I know that loving myself all the time is completely unrealistic. All I want is to accept myself. To accept the fact that I’m not perfectly skinny, and I have flaws, and be okay with that. It seems like a tangible enough goal, but then again, it’s always just out of my reach. I am somewhat of a perfectionist and cannot accept my own flaws. I want to fix them, I want to mold myself into the person I really want to be.

On that note, I am feeling extreme self-pressure at this very moment. This morning I woke up and noticed new stretch marks. Again. I am telling myself now: this has to stop. It just has to. I’m not only making myself feel more and more self-conscious, but I’m afraid for my health because there is absolutely one thing to blame in this situation and that is my very poor eating habits since getting to college. I know it’s common, but today, this morning, I have reached my breaking point.

Just to let you know: I do not judge people on their weight. I believe everyone has beauty in them, and it’s up to them whether or not they want to let it show. The flaws I see on myself are ones I know I’m blowing out of proportion, but they plague me nevertheless. I do not see these things when I look in other people. It’s a problem I have, I know. I have made it my mission since I got out of middle school what feels like hundreds of years ago to see the best in people, and in all the years that have passed, that outlook has worked. However, while I see the best in others, I only seem to be able to see the worst parts of myself.

I just wish I had a clear view of myself. I wish I could look at my body from the outside, see myself how my boyfriends see me, see myself how strangers see me. I just want an honest view of myself from another perspective, so maybe I can see the best in me, too.