Re-invention

I am constantly re-inventing myself, and it makes me wonder if I’ll ever totally find who I am/who I want to be, or if it will be a constantly changing idea. Does everyone experience this type of thing? I have friends who seem so concretely sure of who they are. They are like beautiful little rocks. They seem to know who they are, what they like, and they stand next to those aspects of themselves with steadfast clarity.

Then there’s me, sitting over there, constantly getting rid of/re-wearing clothes, trying to act differently, be different, to see what honestly reflects who I am. Unfortunately, who I am right now and who I want to be are two different women, and I’m not sure how to bridge that gap. If I try to act more how I wish I was rather than who I truly am, does that make me a hypocrite, or am I just learning and slowly making this acting more of a reality?

This brings me to aesthetics. I am perfectly aware that appearance isn’t everything. That being said, the way I dress is one of my absolute favorite ways to express myself. My outfit definitely affects my confidence level, which is why despite what I might put off, I usually think these things through pretty thoroughly. There are several online communities (and some in real life) who all dress/present themselves with the same type of aesthetic, and I want to belong to one of them. Somewhere. But I’m not sure exactly where I fit in there, either.

The other problem is, I’ll become really attracted to a certain kind of aesthetic, and identify heavily with it for a few months or even just a few weeks, but then it’s like I’ve pressed the refresh button and I’m suddenly off on a different path.

The main thing I wonder is what I asked earlier in this post: does everyone experience this? Or is my life just…overly-transitional? 

~My Lifestyle Goals~

As I promised I’d post earlier, here are a list of small things I want to change about my lifestyle that can actually make a big difference. In no particular order:

1. Wean myself off of any kind of sweeteners in my coffee. Sugars not great, artificial sweeteners like Equal aren’t really better. Going to try to get on coffee with skim milk only.

2. Cut down to washing my hair every other day instead of every day. I’ve already started this, and it makes me happy because my hair is much healthier and I can now get away with it because it seems like I’m finally growing out of my ever-greasy teenager hair that I had to wash daily just to keep looking clean. 

3. Start drinking smoothies. Not talking about the smoothie shop kind, I mean the kind you make at home in your blender with no added nonsense.

4. Limit ordering pizza and going for Chinese to once a month, not one or two times a week. This seems like it should be easy, but those are two of my biggest cravings aside from chocolate, so they’re going to be harder to kick than I’d like.

5. Related to the last one, learn to manage my cravings better. I tend to carbo-load at night and overdo it on sugary foods, because honestly, desserts and sugary drinks are like a type of drug with how addictive they are. If I can learn to eat healthier things and kick my cravings, I’ll feel a lot better about myself.

6. Don’t eat frozen dinners as snacks. And on that note, being a small girl and not a huge burly hungry man who needs to eat 3000 calories a day just to keep kicking, I should probably quit eating both the Hot Pockets at once. 

7. Go to the library more often. I feel like my grades are going to improve so much from this. I focus and get a hell of a lot more done when I set aside the library for work, and my room for relaxing (and Netflix). 

8. DRINK MORE WATER. I’m really bad about this because I have a really small and overly efficient bladder, and whenever I try to get the daily recommended eight to ten cups, I pee an obnoxiously large amount. It gets annoying when I have to get up and go during and between every class. But I guess I’ll just have to learn to suck it up and train my bladder to hold water without being a little bitch. 

9. Moisturize more. Since I have relatively oily skin I tend to not do that much, but it’s best to start now while I’m young.

10. Learn to accept myself more. This one is probably the most important, and also requires the least amount of explanation.

Not to Sound Conceited: A Positive Post About the Author

Before I start writing what I want to write, I just want to give a nod to all the people who have followed me the past couple weeks. I really appreciate that you all care what I have to say; it means a lot to me, it really does. Secondly, I want to give another nod to whoever read/liked my last post regarding my body image. It makes me feel like I actually have some supporters out there.

In lieu of the fact that I was a very good girl today who did not overeat and went to the gym despite lingering Zumba-legs. It is really nice to know that I can eat a limited amount of calories (I’m trying to lose a couple pounds mostly so I can fit into my old pants. I’m a broke college student; I do not have money for a whole new set of chub pants like I sometimes have to get when I gain weight) without starving myself/going hungry. I ate a reasonable amount. One helpful part being that I didn’t eat dinner in the school cafeteria because I had a meeting during my usual dinnertime. The cafeteria at my college is probably the #2 factor in my weight gain since getting here; I always over-indulge on the variety of buffet-style food FYI to anyone who cares, I’m going to say that’s #2 because I believe the #1 reason is my EXCESSIVE snacking on things that are not supposed to be snacks. Like whole loaves of Dominos cheesy bread. Yikes, Sarah.

I digress.  After discussing this issues I have with my body, I thought I would discuss a few things I like about myself.

My confidence is getting better. I have really pretty eyes, and despite the decrease in my health since getting to college, I’ve been taking better care of my hair, and it’s looking better than it ever has. Honestly my face is not terrible. It’s grown into a nice shape and with a little blush it seems like I actually have some okay cheekbones. I can’t complain about my face at all, which is huge step up from where I was a few years ago.

In regards to my body, it’s not all bad. I have really nice skin, and my figure is really well proportioned. I wish it would shrink down a little bit, but nevertheless.

It is really nice to be able to sit there in front of the mirror and not constantly think that I’m ugly, or even average. Sometimes, I can be really pretty. I feel like the more I work on my inner self, the more it will reflect upon my outer self. I know, I know, that sounds a lot more oddly spiritual that my normal trains of thought, but that’s just the way I’m feeling right now.